Falling behind and dealing with it

2012 Was the beginning of so many things for me – a new job (old function in a new industry), a new commitment to fitness (Milo APEX) and a new relationship (the Girl says I never write about her), and a new, semi-pro blog. It’s mid-June, and things seem to have hit a snag.

Sometimes we fool ourselves into believing that once we overcome one hurdle, everything will fall into place. For example, you believe that if you get a job, you will evolve into an executive in your field with ease and grace. Or if you finally pay for your hosting and set up your portfolio, you’ll miraculously find writing easy. Or, most common mistake of all, if you just get off you’re a$$ and exercise, the pounds will melt off like a pat of butter off a smoking hot corn cob.

Anyone who has ever started anything knows it’s never that simple.

Case in point – I haven’t exactly been good with updating Buhay Kuneho, and it’s not for lack of content. At work, I haven’t been regularized, and to top it all off, a few weeks ago, I caught a bad flu and was forced to miss three consecutive Milo-APEX training sessions. Not only that, but I was absent from work for several days- almost a complete set of two work weeks.

When I came back, barely a week before my regularization evaluation, it was like I was bogged down. I came back still not at the peak of health but fearing that I would end up owing the company money if I took any more time off. It’s been two weeks and I am only half caught up. Not that anyone’s pressuring me, aside from myself, that is.
Milo APEX training is crazy and leaves me exhausted. On the plus side, it’s radically reduced my dependency on my asthma meds (thank god, or I’d be spending a fortune) and made me feel a lot better. On the other hand, it’s also radically increased my need for sleep.

I used to be functional on as little as three hours of sleep a night. Now I need a full five, supplemented by two 10-15 minute naps, or I’m Ms Bitchy McCrankypants all day. When you work, manage a second job, keep house, and work out, when do you get to write? Ewan.

In moments of weakness, like twice a day, I consider giving one of these things up. But which one? Writing is who I am. If I stopped, that would be a one-way ticket off the deep end.

What if I stopped going to Milo Training and exercising? I’m quite happy as a fluffball (lie) and since I review restaurants and write about food, maybe there’s no hope anyway (another lie). Plus, the Girl says I look fine no matter what size I am (lie, lie, LIE!!!)

But then I’d have to deal with the medicine haze again, and the inability to do things I enjoy, like going swimming with my sibs, or walking. I’d have to face job insecurity again because of constant absences, and the worry of expensive medical bills. Would I the few hours I spend training with people whose company I enjoy for that? No.

Work isn’t even worth thinking of giving up – for me to leave they’d have to fire me (please don’t) and I’m doing everything to make that not an option.

But what does one do when the things you start just crumble? It feels like a Sisyphean effort. After all, starting is hard enough. Starting over and over again is just heartbreaking.

Then again, that doesn’t mean it can’t be done. There are tons of stories out there of people who faced impossible odds and still came out on top – Lincon lost election after election, Rowling was rejected by publisher after publisher. You might say, yeah, but those are extraordinary people. But everyone starts out somewhere – Hitler was a losery wimp who was picked on and bullied until he decided to use his wits to brainwash the German people into slaughtering … wait, that isn’t the best example. But you get my drift, right?

Also, I am surrounded by people who achieve the same things I aspire to every day. You see, in the middle of my whining and self-loathing, I discovered something. Not only does my ever cheerful and encouraging running coach have a full-time job, maintains her second job as a coach, and runs marathons, but she also volunteers at her local church. Mahiya naman sana ako sa balat ko, di ba? (shame, shame, shame on me for being such a whiny bunny.)

So I deal with a little fail. Okay fine – a lot of fail. Big deal, everyone does. But every time I start again, I focus on the fact that I’m not starting from scratch. Catching up at a job means I have a job that I kept till evaluation period, and that I proved my potential. Now all I have to do is live up to it.

I have two months of training behind me, and am not the quivering ball of fluff I started out as – I can run ¾ of the Ultra oval without stopping now, when I couldn’t walk up to the third floor before.

I have my writing – it’s not always the best, or the most updated portfolio, but it’s happening. It’s not nothing.
And that, my friends, is enough reason to keep going. I sometimes forget that a failure does not erase the work put into an endeavor. Sometimes I lose sight of the big picture. I could go on and on about how it’s important to never give up and that the journey is just as important as the destination, but I think a photo would say more than a bunch of trite sayings would. So, here’s one of our favorite picture of the Milo APEX Season 4 5K group.  Credit to Chowie and Michelle:

Spread the word!

    posted on by Little Bunny posted in fit and fab, hop to it, Uncategorized

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